Nighttime dreams

My dad was always a tenacious and adament human being. Like a rock. Hard to come on terms with and a lack of empathy, because he himself didn’t get the empathy he wanted to. That was how I grew up with him and throughout my life our relationship changed multiple times.

My father is a complex human being. He does absolutely everything for other people while losing himself in the process. A story that is as wholesome as it is heartbreaking. I think tenacious desribes him very well, but also slow-paced and yet precise in the things he would work. He became a very negative person that drowns himself with self-pity. At the same time he does have a big heart and can be your biggest supporter. Ambivalence is his biggest friend and you don’t know what you get.

My dad had a rough upbringing. He was taken away as a young child from his mother because she didn’t want him. He essentially grew up on a big farm with about fifteen other children. He didn’t recieve love or empathy from the people there. At ten years old finally his mother let him stay with her again. His father meanwhile moved to another place. They moved a lot and when he was fourteen years old they had a big argument that led him to move out and start life. He learned a trade, met my mother and lived in tiny apartment that he can barely afford. He was one of the hardest workers ever in the company. That led him to multiple accents sadly. In the 1990s he worked at a scaffold and lost footing after more than half a day of work. He fell from the scaffold. Fortunately he didn’t fall on the ground but rather only a few feet on pieces of metal. He had a severe head injury but he survived. That led him to a huge depression. He began consulting a therapist. Despite the depression and the growing negativity he was eager to get back to work. His pride was too much.

Shorty before the new millenium arrived on a dark snowy morning he arrived to work. He was ready to go to work when he suddenly felt pain. He suffered a heart attack. Thankfully another human being was in that room and he called the ambluance which would arrive shortly after. My dad was dead for about five minutes when they were able to get him back to life and saved him. Two years after I was born and through me he learned how to love his life a bit more again because he was and still is battling his depression. When my parents seperated I stayed at my dads place because his was ill and needed someone to help him.

I remember everything when one evening I worked out in my room a bit. Ten minutes ago I would go to living room and take a glass water while asking my dad if he would feel okay since he slept and he nodded. I asked myself if I should put my earphones in or not. I chose not do it and all of a sudden after a couple of minutes i heard an eerie scream. I ran in the living room and my dad looked at me. His eyes almost came out and his scream was heard throughout the apartment. I was in shock. I asked him if he was okay and that he should speak something, but he couldn’t reply. I called his sister and the ambulance. They came and took him to the hospital. I couldn’t sleep without knowing that he is okay. He nearly died again and thankfully I was here. Thankfully I was not having not headphones in. I would have never forgiven that. Since then he became even more ill and he suffers a horrible form of global aphasia. He can hardly speak or express himself altough he is as sharp as always in his brain. His friends abandoned him because of it. He fights against it every single day and it is incredibly hard for him. People don’t know.

From time to time we always have our arguments but he will always be my dad. He fought for me when I was a kid like my mother. Having parents is a huge privilege and I value them with every ounce of my being. I owe my parents everything.