Nighttime dreams

The article is the first on a three part series.

Expressing yourself is probably the most usual things a human being can do. The way you speak, the tone you choose as well as the words you carefully pick out before you get your thoughts and opinions out to the world is pretty easy. That is why most people do not even think about these things sometimes and just speak without thinking first. Growing up you learn words, phrases and how you put them together. It becomes nautral for you.

I can hardly remember anything, but I must have been around three years old. The kindergarden just started and it was my first year there. From one day to another I suddenly began stuttering. My parents were totally alarmed by it. They had no clue what to do and why I stuttered. Not long after I went to a therapist for the first time in my life. I am still able to remember the room I was in with my therapist. It was very colorful and the lady was very generous and kind. We talked, drawed and played together. She must have been very young and I was really feeling very at home with her. It was very calming and grounding for me. Honestly I had no clue either why I stuttered and nor did it matter to me. I knew I was different but I did not care. It was an amazing experience and I really enjoyed the time with her. We talked about my dreams and we drawed my fears. My speech however was not really improving. After a couple of years I stopped going to her. Kindergarden however was an amazing time and I really enjoyed it. At home I felt at peace. My mother and my father spend a lot of time with me. My mother read books with me and we talked about our favourite dishes as well as the differences of food. My father was more of a rigid and tenacious human being. With him I got to experience the beauty of different sports. The next chapter opened up for me. Grade School.

It was fortunately a lot of fun for me. Before I was allowed to go to grade school, there were many teachers who thought it would be better suited if I would go to a mental institution or a special school just because of my stuttering. Fortunately I had never those teachers, but that gave me a little bit of insight how my life could be one day. I always am scared when a big change is upon me and going from kindergarden to school was a bit frightening. Because of the stutter too of course but also because of the change in the enviroment and the people, the teachers I would get and the students I would have in the class. I was very young and even now I am only 23 years of age but it is hard to remember the exact things we did in grade school. The thing that saved me was my innocence and that I was so young that I did not even think about stuttering. I just spoke and I stuttered as a result. Sometimes more and sometimes less. Sometimes at every word and sometimes as fluent as you might speak. The contrast was huge. But I had pride and still spoke. That is what mattered. My classmates were mostly fine with me. I had few friends in school or at the football team I used to play. They consisted for the most part either foreigners or kids from my neighborhood. Stuttering was barely an issue for me at that time. I even had very good marks in grade school. The enjoyment I had going to school was very high especially at Maths which nowadays I don’t really understand. My favourite subject was always PE though. We often played dodgeball and it was so much fun. Sports was always a good outlet for me as well as reading books. In the meantime my dad would buy me a old and used buggy that I would drive offroad and at every weather. Those two things were a big savior in my childhood. But overall everything was working out well. Then all of a sudden I had a new therapist.

Meanwhile I was nine, ten years old and grade school was coming to an end. The new therapist was also really empatheic and she had a big heart. We did play so many games and I used to talk with her about my deepest thoughts and school. I always looked forward to the a new session with her. My speech was however hardly any different. But again this wasn’t any of my concern because I did not think about stuttering that much. It was something uniquely that I have but that’s it. Sometimes I used to stutter and sometimes less, but my parents were always there for me and helped in any shape, way or form. That in itsself is huge privilege that I am forever grateful for. Young Manuel was often happy and deeply grateful to be living this life. Our neighborhood was and still is very working class and we were a lot of boys and girls. We all grew up in a really old and dull apartment building and there were a couple of those in the whole neighborhood. We were always together and playing football outside. If it were only three kids or seven kids it did not matter because we were always figuring out ways to create a fun game where every kid had their joy. Often times I would decide not to go out to rather read a book. As a kid I knew how much more comfortable I felt on my own. I definitely think it has to be because of my stuttering too but who knows. I closed the chapter of grade school with very good grades that would lead me to the chance to go to a higher rated school in the city, but in the end my parents chose for me that it would be better to stay in our small town and go to the usual middle school. Also I did not want to loose my few friends that I had because all of them went to that school too. So with not a care in the world and certainly not about stuttering I would go to middle school where all of a sudden things took a sudden turn.