Nighttime dreams

So all of a sudden I was eleven years old. Time to move to the middle school. I got new teachers and new school colleagues. Fortunately I was in the class with some students that I already went with in grade school, but the building was new, the teachers was new and a bit scary and the whole feeling was tense. I know myself quite well and I am aware that I need a lot of time to adapt to new things in my life. I try my best each and every single time but it is always to say it than to do it. So it all began again.

I tried my best to be as comfortable as I can be but it is so hard. All of a sudden it felt like I was a different person. I thought much more. About everything but most importantly about my stuttering and I was not the only one who would react to it. My fellow students did as well. I remember that we needed to memorize a poem. We had a couple weeks to prepare for it and then student by student we needed to come out, stand in front of the whole class and speak it out loudly. That was the first time I would do that and I would go out to speak infront the class. Then it happend. I felt stuck. My voice was stuck. That was the first time I actively knew it. I was in panic but I had to perform the poem. I did. But I stuttered every single word. People would need about 10 minutes for the poem and I needed half an hour. It was absolutely horrible and one of the most frightening things I experienced. I froze it that moment and couldn’t get anything out. I wanted to vanish. Now I realized what stuttering for me was and it led me to sleepless nights. I cried so many days and nights because it broke my heart not being able to speak fluently. Not being able to speak the words that I want. My heart felt broken. My life was broken. It led me to thoughts that made me go crazy. I was not myself anymore.

That incident was only the beginning and I was only ten years old at that time. The students were new in the class too and they would gossip and laugh at me and my stuttering. Not everyone in my class would do that fortunately but some people and also people that I did not expect it to be like that. It hurt me deeply. I did not know how to react. I rather put a mask up and say that everything is okay. Do I want to cause a uproar and tell it the teacher? Do I want to tell it my parents? No, not really. I was so scared to tell them but also I had a feeling of weakness and regret. So I took it on myself and day by day it was getting worse. Words can hurt people and of course we are all at an age where we might not think about that. Physically I was too weak to fight them. I was always very thin and short while they were build either much taller or bigger. I looked at them and I knew what they were thinking. I got in their thoughts because I knew the meaning behind the eye contact and the little smile that meant something very different. I started to understand about certain behaviors, gestures and expressions of them but I did not say anything back. One time I even cried during the lesson because it was getting too much. The looks, the subtile smiles and smirks. I knew it all and it made me tear up. The teacher wouldn’t notice. No teacher would notice because they wouldn’t care.

One lesson we needed to be in a group of two people and work on a task. I was of course in a team with one of the bullies. I had a quite weird feeling about this but it was different what I expected from him. He was all of a sudden nice to me. We worked well together and had a good mark. He respected me. I was confused but then a few days I had a conversation with another bully and he seemed okay with me too. I knew that they were different when were teaming up against me and then alone. In a team they felt a stength all of a sudden and they were ready to go after me but whenever they were alone with me, they showed me respect and they did not bully me. They did not even had a thought of bullying me. I always felt interested by that. Together they felt invicible but alone they felt, almost, human. That’s how most human are wired sadly, but I knew that I won’t ever be like that. I can’t stand the fakeness. Now after I got to knew these things the bullying didn’t stop but like with so many other things you get used to it. I beared with it. I had to. Every day I came home and was depressed. I re-thought about my life and what everything meant to me. It was all too much.

My life saver were books. At that time sports wasn’t an option. I didn’t care much about people. I was shaped by these bullies. I became very introverted and shied away from any social interaction. I was becoming very fearful. Stuttering and anxiety had taken over my whole life. It was a big drag. I felt embarrassed every single time I would talk. I had fear because of them and of myself. Every single day had to push myself out to go to school. Sometimes I would act ill just not to go to school because of these bullies and my fears. I read so many books and I about 11 or 12 at that time. I will always be thankful for my mother that she led me to reading a book. Usual crime stories but more so short stories I found fascinating for example from Raymond Carver. He was always a huge influence for me and I enjoyed his books so much. I found peace indulging in them. A much needed peace in times of lostness. Nothing made me more serene and relaxed again than reading a book. There was no human involved in them. It was just me and 200 pages of short stories for example. It was pure. I didn’t know what I would have done I didn’t have books at that time.

Middle school was finally done and I chose some sort of vocational school to go to with the emphasis on computer science. I will be very frank with you. I had no clue what I was doing or which way I want to go. You are fourteen years old and you should choose your profession. It is a hard task. The beginning was hard and I not going to lie to you that I cried much. It was a huge school with over a thousand students. Everything felt really big and I felt totally out of place. It was overwhelming. Most people were really shallow and cold and some others were as bad as the others in my last school and they would make fun of me but in a more subtle way. I felt trapped. Going from one school to another and then get the same experience was very bad. My marks were horrible. Actually more than horrible. Somehow I surivived that year though and the second year came around. It was worse than last year. The problems did not stop and my parents suddenly seperated too. I felt a sudden urge to not exist anymore. Everything seemed against me. It led me again to huge depression and this time I was 16 years old. I wasn’t the same human being anymore. I was more grown up but also more able to risk it. Life wasn’t liveable anymore. I blamed myself and stuttering for every bad thing that happened to me. I had thoughts about hurting myself and about the darkest visions about my life. I would even try to do it one time, but thank god I had second thoughts about it. Summer was right around the corner and I always loved the warmth. Altough this would be a different one than before. Atleast I had my family back then but now there was no joy in school or at home. There was no love. Long sleepless nights with the wildest thoughts that would make me insane. Did I even matter? I had no one. My life changed totally from my childhood. A dream became a nightmare and this time I was against the world. It seemed that way. For a certain time I would not read books anymore and when Summer came around, there was another thing that saved me.

I used to put my headphones on while the street lights began lighting up and I walked outside. Listening to pieces of art. I would take everything in because I had nothing to lose. I was 16 years old, hopeless as never before and ready to do myself any harm. What I found, was hope and love. Nobody would have given that at that moment, but music did. Staying inside, no friends but all the imaginations that I got through books and songs. It is crazy how some songs or books can literally change you and they saved me. I used to spend hours outside until the night arrived and listened to it. The streets were dead silent. No human that I met, but myself. All alone. Just me and the music that let me outside and let me safe home too. I spend the whole summer of 2017 trying to save myself and through music and books I did it. I had no friends. While they were out there partying and drinking excessively I would fight for my live. There was no one. No therapist, no parents, no friends, no one. Only me and the books, the songs and they filled up my emptyness with love. There are some songs and books that I won’t ever forget. They will be remembered for everything they did for me. They saved my life. Now I had outlet to be me again and to feel at home.

I was pretty much alone. I learned to be alone and since I always was pretty much introverted and timid I could bear with it. I had to cope all my depressions with myself. My relationship with my parents was a bit strange. I didn’t really trust either of them. It’s not on them but more on me. Sure it would have been nice to people around you that understand you and that help you but that simply was not the case sadly. So I had to fight myself alone. I was always pretty good in hiding my true feelings especially in school and at home. I probably learned that from middle school. But sooner or later you will face your true feelings and they will get you. On the other hand I am absolutely okay with having no friends because that is who I am and I won’t change. Music and Books are the only things that will always save me from losing myself. Back when I was in middle school and the people bullied me, I remember that all of a sudden I became good at writing. I started writing short stories and poems at 13. I did the same thing at home and found some joy in writing my own stories. But it could never give me the same satisfaction that reading a book would give me or listening to music. I think through my introversion and my stuttering I feel these things much more than other people maybe. I don’t know, but I felt so much again. It gave me things I much needed. I would come home after a long walk and atleast I slept well. The days have given me nightmares, but the nights have given me dreams. I am entirely greatful that I am living right now in the present moment and writing this made me realize what a terrible time it actually was. Now I have you and that it the most important thing.