Nighttime dreams

I grew up and still live in an run-down, old apartment building that is over 60 years old. We rarely had money for any vacation or any other fancy things that one family might has. I stutter since I am three years old and have been to various therapist. Despite the stuttering and all the other things I know that my life has been filled with privileges so far.

I think when we think hard and long enough we definitely can point the finger to where our life has been blessed with privileges. Around my town there are parts where you only see big houses with a pool and other fancy stuff. Other places in same town are filled with greenery and farms as well as a mountain that is used as a skiing resort in the wintertime. Then there is my part which is filled with old buildings that are there since the 1960s and 1970s. That is the place I call home. I was rarely somewhere else in my life. When I was younger my parents and me sometimes went Italy in the summer. When we came back to school, the teacher would ask us where we were in our vacation and I said that I was in Italy when other students said the most luxurious places in Greece or France for example. My parents could only afford that and my father was ill so he could hardly travel. We would have loved to go other places as well but it wasn’t meant to be. My mother would have loved to see Croatia since parts of her family are still there. The same with my dad in Italy. At twelve years old we went to vacation the last time. My mother was a retail worker while my dad was working as a welder but due to a bunch of work related accidents he was not able to work. Money was always an issue like with most people in my neighborhood. We were all the same in the boat. The privilege that I had was two parents that loved me with every ounce of their being. All other children in the neighborhood grew up only with a single parent and some even with their grandparents. Those lucky children who had their father and their mother in their life growing up had often trouble because the fathers would often drink alcohol and become abusive. It is very common here but still people turn a blind eye to it sadly. I don’t want to involve myself in any controversy. I am very privileged that my parents were together when I was growing up and fought for me with every inch of their being.

A really good friend of my childhood was an African boy originially from Senegal. We were from the same neighborhood. He lived in a very small house with my dad. His mother and his sister was living in the state capital which was an hour away from here. His dad was a very hard worker and he had to because he had to pay the bills. He went out before his son got out to go to school. Since we were in the same neighborhood and we were good friends my dad took him sometimes with me to school and when we had a school trip we helped him with everything. Also in the school when we had to do homework or some chores to do I would try to help him. Not because he was bad or anything but because he himself had a load of responsibilities on his back and that at his young age. While my parents helped me, he had no one for him. His dad worked from morning to evening and he would be by himself. So many times he invited me to his place or vice versa and we would play Mario Kart as well as football of course. It was an absolute joy for us. This lasted for a bunch of years since we grew up together since Kindergarden and through grade school our friendship was getting better and better. The second year of Middle School he suddenly left and since then he lived with his mother. Even now I think of him sometimes. I really hope he is healthy and really happy with his life.

This was just one example, one remaider to myself how privileged my life actually was and still is. I was the first human being in my family that learned English. Believe it or not. My grandparents could barely write. My parents never learned English. Only people who were able to go college could learn English and my parents could never afford that. They were far from that hurdle. So I was left alone in my pursuit to grasp the most universal language in the world. I hope I did well of course. I was also the first one of my family to be able to College. Atleast for a couple years before I dropped out. But these are exacly the things that I am talking about. The same goes with my stuttering. It is more than obvious and many times it was embarrassing for me but my parents were always there for me.

Last month I had the privilege to fly for the first time in my life. I am still in shock when I think about that. As a kid I always dreamed of flying away, visiting different countries and experiencing their cultures. I went to Cairo, Egypt. A beautiful city and a totally different vibe. More laid back and overall carefree. Just as I love. The children seemed so much more lively and happy than back home. The people too. And then it happend. The electricity was gone. Not once, but every two days probably for about two hours. Meanwhile I read a good book while the sun was going down. It reminded how grateful I need to be. Back home we never have problems with electricity. It would probably freak a lot of people out here but overall in was an experience. Everything from being able to drink tap water to having stable electricity is a huge privilege. Think about that.

Lastly I would say I had the privileges of books, music and sports. I grew up around books and sports. I played football for a couple of years and thanks to my mother I became an avid reader when I was young. I remember reading short story fiction and it got thinking. I created pictures in my young mind and I was fully focused on the story I was reading. My mind was in a different place of some time and I loved it. It created a much needed calmness around me and in me that I barely had. Surely I had a time when I read less books but I always kept on reading because I need this sort of experience in my body and mind. It is definitely the most enjoying thing I ever did. Having books, being able to read them, being able to read in general, everything.

Those are privileges I think about from time to time. Life here is not sunshine and rainbows. The privileges I had were extraordinary and I had and still have many so privileges that I did not mention or I am not even aware of. We are always moaning if something goes wrong or we can’t afford something but we have so many privileges. Just take a step back and look at your life.