Nighttime dreams

After all those problems it was no walk in the park to go back to school but atleast there were external factors that helped me like listening to music or reading books. I always could count on them and in every situation they were helping me out. In school I saw people differently. I saw through them and I realized only the institution of the school was holding us together. There are no friends in this because whenever we would leave school nobody would hear from each other but then again that’s human nature.

I knew somehow that this would be my last year because I had zero motivation and dedication to stay on this path. I didn’t even know what the other students wanted. I knew this wasn’t my pathway. So I left from one day to another. I was back in therapy and my therapist was really nice. We talked about so many things and I was really laid-back with him. I was doing some jobs just to keep my life a bit more occupied. I still had no friends and my interests were always keeping up with me.

One day something happend that changed my life forever. My dad had a stroke. He screamed out of pain and I remember everything from it so clearly. It breaks my heart when I think about it. I get these precise images in my head and that frightens me. It was an unbelievable feeling how a human being can change from one second to another. Fortunately he survived by the skin of his teeth once again and now he lives with me. I find that extremely magical because when I was a kid he was always there for me and did everything, really everything, in his power just to make sure I was taken care of and I was happy. And now this was my job to do for him. I learned to count with him for example or I played video games with him. He always was there for me and helped me out. I can’t put it into words what he means to me and I think vice versa too. From that moment onwards I was the guy for him. Everything he did for me I did for him from that moment on. I helped him in knowing words and certain phrases that he forgot. I drove him everywhere he needed. He played the taxi for me all his life and now I got to it for him. I needed to be selfless and don’t get me wrong because it wasn’t easy. It was hard. It is still very hard to do it but it needs for be done. Fortunately he makes some slight improvements and he is able to do many things by himself now. His negative demeanor makes me sad every single time but that is his personality and he won’t be changed anytime soon. I cherish and appreciate life much much more after this incident. My stuttering is nothing to what other people had to endure or have to endure right now. I always need to be in a mindset of cherishment and appreciation because I can do everything in this life and the only thing that is holding me back after 23 years is the human being in the mirror. It was a wake up call to be grateful for life becuase you don’t really know what happens tomorrow.